Mr Bean has the ATA gene

[starrylizard]

Title: Mr Bean has the ATA gene
Author: starrylizard
Characters: Mr Bean
Fandom: A Mr Bean/Stargate Atlantis crossover
Rating: G – kiddie safe, Crack!fic!
Notes: Yes, I may be completely insane. This is supposed to be a Mr Bean sketch. I tried to describe his antics and expressions, but most of Mr Bean’s humour is visual, so I hope this works. Thanks to rinkle for the beta.
Spoilers: None – This fic is set just before the very first episode of season 1.
Summary: Mr Bean just can’t resist touching the Ancient technology…

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The government official strode through the Antarctic base of operations. His suit was neatly pressed and his large bull neck was clasped tightly with a beige necktie. He was followed closely by a weedy-looking aide. Simply put, the aide was an ugly little man. His small body housed a somewhat disproportionately large head, with ears that stuck out almost at right angles. Add to this his beady little eyes, messy dark hair and oddly shaped mouth, and he looked rather like a small monkey - an impression that was only emphasized by his close proximity to the large man he followed.

Dr Weir indicated the odd chair that took pride of place in the current room.

“I’m sure you’ve read the reports Mr Reilly. Though we are still trying to gain more insight into the control chair’s function, we believe it has many different purposes, defense being just one of them. So far we’ve been hampered by a lack of personnel with the ATA gene, but with Dr Beckett’s new screening process, we’re hopeful of having several more candidates soon. That concludes the tour gentlemen. If you would like to follow me to my office, we can talk specifics.” With this, she quirked a questioning eyebrow and waited politely for a response.

“Yes, of course, Dr Weir.” The official turned to face the small aide behind him. “Mr Bean, wait here and don’t touch anything. Dr Weir and I won’t be long.” With that, he followed Dr Weir from the room, leaving the small aide alone.

As soon as the senior man left the room, the small man seemed almost to deflate and, if it was at all possible, shrink in on himself even more.

“Don’t touch anything,” he mimicked in a small, muffled voice that somewhat resembled a demented muppet on helium.

Then he let out a long-suffering sigh, ending in a raspberry that left his small mouth vibrating wildly. Humming gently under his breath, the little man began to wander about the room. His small beady eyes darted left and right, as he took in his Antarctic surroundings.

As he strolled around the room for a second time, his eyes suddenly darted left and right again; his body seemed to continue its forward momentum, but his head appeared to remain behind for a few seconds. His tongue flicked out quickly, and then, with a childishly gleeful grin, his hand darted out from his body and touched the nearest piece of equipment - something that looked for all the world like a keyboard for a giant crystal organ.

This piece of mischief accomplished, the little man’s hand snapped back, and as he clasped his hands behind his back, his head seemed to finally catch up with the rest of his body and he continued his forward momentum as if he hadn’t touched anything at all. He let out a little happy chortle at having disobeyed his superior.

Mr Bean then peered back surreptitiously and noted that the key he had pressed was now lit up. He spun around to face the offending glowing key, goose-necking his head forward and jutting out his jaw in a look of consternation. He let out another raspberry-ending sigh and brought a hand up to scratch his head, making him appear more like a monkey than ever before. Sidling back over to the equipment, he waved his hand over the keys in thought for a moment, before apparently eeny-meeny-miny-mo-ing and then randomly striking another key.

The overhead lights went out. “Oh no,” said Mr Bean.

He urgently hit several more keys in succession, his small hand darting over the keyboard. With the first key he struck, an item behind him, that he had previously ignored since it was covered with a drop cloth, lit up. With the second button press, the thing floated up, causing the cloth cover to fall to the floor. The object, which had the appearance of a strange, gelatinous-looking, torpedo-shaped thing, slowly rose up into the room and then charged straight at Mr Bean.

Mr Bean turned at the last minute, to notice the object approaching him. With a look of horror, he dove to one side, swatting at it as one would a large fly. For the next few minutes, he could be seen running around the room in panic, the strange object following closely behind him. He jogged stiffly, dodging randomly left and right, the tip of his tongue just poking out from his pursed lips, eyebrows raised in panicked confusion and, as he ran past the keyboard for what seemed to him to be the hundredth time, he randomly lashed out at the crystalline keys again.

The new keys he struck apparently didn’t work to control the object, which stubbornly continued to follow him - instead, a holographic display lit up near the centre of the room. The display showed a beautiful blonde woman, who spoke in a language he couldn’t understand. She was apparently pointing out stars and galaxies in the night sky and extolling the virtues of a strange six-piered city lying beneath the surface of a vast ocean. Mr Bean, however, barely even glanced at the display, as he continued his uncoordinated sprint around the room, the strange torpedo still following him.

Suddenly, he found himself tripping over one of the many power cords that could be seen snaking their way across the floor. He put his hand out in front of him, catching himself just in time, by clutching onto the large chair that Dr Weir had pointed out during her tour. He then let out a small “meep” of fright and covered his eyes with one hand, as he anticipated the object finally catching up with him, but instead the room fell quiet.

Slowly uncovering his eyes, Mr Bean peered out from around the fingers of his hand. The object, which had previously been so intent on following him, had fallen to the floor, the holographic display had also fallen dark and quiet and the lights were coming back on.

Mr Bean slowly straightened and pulled himself to his feet, dusting himself off vigorously and wiggling about in a cheeky display of happiness and relief. He stretched until his back made a large cracking noise and then backed up and sat down in the chair with another large sigh of relief. As he closed his eyes, the chair seemed to lean back into a comfortable reclining position and then it started to glow an intense blue…

~ The end ~